My Thoughts on “The Empowered Wife” Book by Laura Doyle

You’ll be surprised to hear, but in the last few weeks since reading the book, I can honestly say my relationship has been a lot easier by letting go of what I can’t control.

Recently, I went for lunch with my Instagram friend (turned real friend), Carol Braha. We were talking about relationship challenges and she mentioned that I should read “The Empowered Wife” book by Laura Doyle. I heard of the book as it was formerly called “The Surrendered Wife.” (The author has since changed the title because, of course, it was easier to lure in more skeptical female readers like myself). 

Every time the book came up on social media, my eyes rolled so far back in my head. There was even a book club in my area convening to read it soon. “What kind of submissive, 1950s housewife bullshit is this book?!” I’d think to myself. 

Now that the book has positioned itself as more ‘feminist-leaning’ and ‘women-centric’, I was still not buying it. The marketing pivot was not going to work on me. 

But my newfound openness is thanks to Carol, who said something along the lines of: “Open yourself up to the possibility of reading different opinions and ideas that you don’t agree with.” She’s clearly really good at what she does as a life coach because I was convinced. 

I’ve always been someone with a flexible mindset. I’m easily persuaded, as long as someone has a good argument. It’s a blessing and curse. I have staunch opinions, too, but I’m open minded to other people’s viewpoints. When it comes to perspectives, I don’t see things in black and white (unless it’s in an OCD way of thinking). There’s nuance to most things, even if my tendency is to lean more liberally. 

I bought the book — and to my surprise, I couldn’t put it down. I don’t have anything novel to say that hasn’t already been said before in an Amazon review or book club. 

80% of the book is nonsensical bullshit and IMHO dangerous for people in abusive relationships. I’m especially fired up about the part where she continuously groups men who are alcoholics, physical abusers, and cheaters into one category. The part where she commends toxic masculinity by praising a father for pushing his son in the sand and ‘teaching him a lesson’ has ‘boys will be boys’ written all over it. Eye roll, vomit, etc. etc. 

The book paints women as nags and men as humans who don’t have the capacity to share in domestic duties or affection unless women back off entirely and their ego is stroked. She believes all men and all women are the same. While it was comforting to see my relationship dynamic in some of the situations she portrayed (Mainly: Wife wants husband to do something and asks him to do something but he doesn’t do it), She takes on a one-size-fits-all approach when relationships are far from cookie cutter. There’s no room to hold men accountable and wives are to blame for everything. I almost believed her for a second (re: easily persuaded).

If all men really are the same as she presents them to be, it’s not because of their inherent gender difference, it’s because we are allowing these collective behaviors to be passed down. 

She doesn’t seem to believe husbands could be struggling from a mental illness (and if they are, it’s the wife’s fault) and she thinks marriage counseling is the devil. She goes so far as to say “marriage therapy ruins marriages.” Her cult is the only one you should join if you want everlasting change and women are to blame for men’s bad behavior. 

The relationship challenges presented in “The Empowered Wife” is one of the main reasons Eve Rodsky’s Book, “Fair Play,” was published too. Her book is more about how couples can work together to share responsibilities in their marriage. Rodsky’s ideas and perspective are WAY more in line with my thinking. But it requires two people. It’s so much easier, so much more ‘empowering’ to try to fix things on your own, as Doyle opines, without involving your partner. Ironically, the Fair Play method is MORE work for women who would need to cajole their partners to read the book and adopt her methods. 

On a positive note, “The Empowered Wife” reinforces the hard truth that we can only control what we as individuals can control. As someone living with OCD, my tendency is to fix things, find solutions, and take control of a situation 

The book talks about learning how to be happy outside of your relationship, not trying to change your partner, and not telling him what to do because it won’t work. For me, accepting that I can’t control and can’t change people or situations can be liberating. The only thing in your control is how YOU react, how YOU listen, how YOU show up, how YOU recognize the positives in your partner, how YOU express gratitude to your partner. 

Additionally, Doyle says that doing tasks should be because YOU decide to do them without resentment. If your husband isn’t doing something, ask yourself what the fear is behind it. What are you afraid of if he doesn’t do what you’ve asked him to do? This troubles me, because sometimes the fear is real and isn’t as trivial as ‘If he doesn’t confirm the birthday party, the hosts will be mad.’ But instead something along the lines of, ‘If he doesn’t change the diaper, the baby will have a rash.’ (Totally made up scenario, by the way, and in no way reflects my own relationship challenges). 

I’d be dishonest though if I didn’t tell you what really happened after implementing some of the mindset changes Doyle writes about.

You’ll be surprised to hear, but in the last few weeks since reading the book, I can honestly say my relationship has been a lot easier by letting go of what I can’t control. And my husband has been doing a lot more around the house. Or perhaps, I’m able to notice it more because I’m only focusing on what I can control. 

Either way…..

Do I feel empowered? No. 

Do I think the book is harmful? Absolutely. 

Am I surrendering? Maybe. 

And is that a bad thing? Surrendering to the fact that I can’t control my partner and my surroundings? 

There is peace in knowing there’s nothing you can do to change people. There is peace in knowing you can only change yourself.